How to Talk to Your Significant Other About Money

(12 minute read)

Talking about money with your significant other can be hard. The first time my fiance and I did I honestly would have rather shoved forks into my eyeballs than to be in that conversation. Talking about money is weird. It’s hard and uncomfortable and often wrought with all kinds of feelings and emotions. But that first conversation between him and I was nearly 4 years ago. Now we talk about money regularly. We have monthly budget check-ins, discuss and update our savings goals, talk about our income, and make nearly all our purchases together using the budget we have built. 

If you’re thinking that kind of money relationship with your significant other is unrealistic, think again! Odds are you just haven’t built your money muscle yet. The more you talk about and do something, the more second nature it becomes. Once you two get in the habit of talking about money, you’ll start to wonder why you never did before. But, getting started can be the hard part, so here is my kick-start plan to get you and your significant other talking about money regularly. 

1. Do some homework before your first conversation

I don’t know about you, but there isn’t a meeting I have been in that doesn’t ask about the data. If you don’t know anything about your money picture, then this conversation is going to be all emotional and not at all actionable. And it should be both. So before you plan to sit down and talk about money, take inventory of your financial life. Find out how much is in your bank account, savings account, retirement accounts, and investment accounts. Write down how much is on your credit card(s), left on your student loan, and any other accounts you have out there. Also, if you’re feeling up to it, include things like any assets or liabilities you have. What is the current value of your car? Do you own a home? What is the market value of it and how much do you owe on the mortgage? Do you own a business? These things will help you create a holistic picture of your finances and are vital items to helping you understand your net worth, an important number to know as you become more knowledgeable about money.

Being informed is not only the key to having a productive conversation with your partner, but it is also the first baby step to building a plan out of debt and a pathway to wealth. Transparency is key. Your partner should also do the same. Then when you sit down to talk about money for the first time you both will have your complete money picture available to have an honest discussion. 

2. Find neutral ground to talk about money

If you’ve ever heard “don’t argue in the bedroom,” the same can be true for talking about money. Pick a place in your house that doesn’t have that many distractions and is comfortable but neutral enough for you to have a conversation that won’t get emotionally fueled. I always recommend the dining room table as a good place to have your first conversation. Also, make sure it is during a reasonable time of day. I would say the key to a successful first conversation is scheduling it during a time of the day when both of you are alert and engaged, you’ve had a meal recently, and you don’t have any pressing engagements afterward. 

If you have kids, I recommend finding time on the weekend, perhaps in the mid-morning, and having the kids go on a play date while you talk. Make sure you have some coffee on hand and dive in. If you don’t have kids, I recommend finding time on a weekend when you’re less likely to feel drained from a day at the office. Try early in the afternoon and pair it with a snack 🙂 

Some other essential things to do for your first meeting: turn off your cell phone; don’t even bring it to the table. Your full attention should be on your partner and the topic of money. Don’t have the TV on, bring some paper, a pen, and an old-school calculator (so you don’t have to rely on your cell phone). Have a glass of wine if you feel like that will create a more relaxed mood but limit it to one – drunk talking about money is never successful. Have fun! Talking about money, although not commonplace for everyone, is the first step to building a pathway to wealth. That thought alone puts a smile on my face. So make sure to have a little fun in your conversation too. 

3. Leave shame and embarrassment out of the conversation

This is a biggie and REALLY important for both parties to adhere to. Nothing will shut down a money conversation faster than guilt or judgment. The goal of this conversation is to get a clear understanding of where your financial situation is at right now and identify where you want to be moving forward. Nothing good will come of making either yourself or your partner feel bad about purchases you made or choices that got you to the situation you are in. 

Strive to be understanding, open, and honest. I know it can be challenging, and often times the ones we judge the hardest are ourselves. But you are having this conversation because you want to move forward and make a better financial life for yourself with your partner, so focus on that, and it should help you shift the emotional thoughts to those that are more optimistic. 

4. Share your money habits – both from the past and the present

When you’ve been talking about money for as long as I have, you know that money habits are a big part of the feelings we have about money. And sometimes, the most powerful habits (and the ones that are the hardest to break) come from the past. It is essential to talk about what your money stories are from the past because it is often super informative to you and your partner as to why you make some of the money choices you do today. If you’re struggling to think about what you know about money from your childhood, here are some questions to get you going:

• Did you know how much money your parent’s made? Who was the breadwinner of the family?
• Did they ever talk about money with each other in front of you? Did they ever talk about money to you?
• Did you get an allowance? 
• Were you given money to spend at a young age?
• When you got your first job, what did your parents suggest you do with your earnings? 
• Did you ever save for a “big purchase” as a child?
• Who in your family paid the bills?  
• Were you ever told you were poor? Were you ever told you were rich?

Of course, there are many other questions you can think about as well. The point is to understand how money influenced you as a child so that it helps you understand why you make certain choices as an adult. I’ll give you an example. My father spent money to show that he loved someone. It is was his way of bestowing love, security, and comfort to those he gave it to. But it spawned all kinds of weird money habits for me as an adult. I thought I had to buy someone something for them to know how I felt about them, and let me tell you, there is no faster way to go broke than to buy people things every time you want to say “you care” haha. 

Once I understood that I learned that behavior from my youth, I was able to change it. Now I still buy people that I love things, but I choose to tell them and show them in non-monetary ways how I love them too. It has helped me keep more money in the bank, and I can look back fondly on my childhood memories of my father helping me rent my first apartment instead of allowing that lesson to continue to disrupt my financial goals. 

Also, make sure to talk about the money habits that you currently have. Maybe you like going shopping every Friday after you get paid because you want to reward yourself. Perhaps you get an expensive coffee when you go into the office on Tuesdays because you have a big meeting with your boss on those mornings. Some of your habits could be more subtle: perhaps you are like me and always want to have a backup of basically everything in your house (how could that possibly get expensive? Note the sarcasm, haha). So just talk about it. You aren’t going to unravel every habit and past influence in this one meeting, but turning your awareness to how and why you spend money is going to be important as you build your plan out of debt and your pathway to wealth.

5. Identify and write down your money goals

A plan without a goal is a fast way to a dead end. Not to get all spiritual guru on you, but if you don’t write down and internalize your money goals, you’re never going to reach them. Start by talking about small goals. Maybe you need to replace your washing machine, or you want to move into a bigger apartment, but it will cost an extra $300 a month. Write down the things you are striving to achieve and what it will cost for you to get there. Then talk about them with your partner. Do you share these goals? Do you both feel like they are achievable? Do you both feel like they are realistic? 

Once you have your goals written down, put some structure to them. How long do you think it will take you to achieve each goal? When do you want to achieve each goal? What might you need to change in your life to achieve each of these goals? Remember, this is not the time to be judgemental or down on yourself. When you are goal setting, it is important to be optimistic but also realistic. Make sure your goals don’t include only things you need to buy or only short-term goals. Have goals for retirement or your kid’s college funds. Including long-term goals will influence what course of action you take with your short-term goals, which will often allow you to achieve more goals in the long run. 

6. Talk opening and honestly about your spending

I know, I know; this can be really hard to do, especially with a loved one. But expenses, which are made up of your spending, are a macro category on your budget, so you have to talk about it. In my relationship, I am the primary person who spends on the things we need for our house: hand soap, toilet paper, groceries, dog food, etc. So when we sat down to talk about our finances for the first time, I can tell you that it felt lopsided. I was holding onto all these emotions about being the one who paid for most of the things that ran our daily lives, and he was shocked and bothered with how much money I was spending every month. Sound familiar? 

But it was imperative that we talk about what it took to run our lives, what our non-negotiable expenses were, and what we were spending on enjoying our lives. Often a household has one main person who knows what things cost and pays most of the bills. Once you start building your money plan together, it is a great idea to identify someone to be the family CFO (chief financial officer). But you have to make sure that you continue to check in with each other. Transparency and communication are key to long-term financial success as a couple, and it starts with talking openly about your spending. 

7. Discuss what you envision your monthly macro budget categories to be: income, expenses, debt, and savings

Once you’ve talked about what you are spending, you need to talk about what you are saving, what you are making, and what you already owe. Understanding your current financial picture in the big 4 categories is the first step to building a budget; and a financial plan. Not only do you want to write down and take stock of where you are right now, but you also what to write down where you want to be. Make a 1, 5, and 10-year plan. It doesn’t have to be very robust. Simply write down where you would like to be financially in each of these buckets in 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years. Things to think about are: How much do you want to be making both individually and as a household? Are there things you want to save for, like a house or going back to school? Do you currently owe money on a loan that you want to be out from under? These are just a few things to think about when talking about your budget goals now and for the future. 

And no goal is too unrealistic. Do you want to be a millionaire in 10 years? Write it down! Once you decide what your goals are, you can put realistic plans in place to help you work towards and ultimately achieve them. But you can’t work a plan you don’t have. Am I starting to sound redundant yet? Write it down. Be clear on where you are and where you want to go. Talk often. 

8. Schedule your next meeting!

Ok, you just had an amazing meeting where you laid everything out on the table. Pat yourself on the back! Hug your partner, and I hope you both walk away from the meeting feeling like you have a newfound lease on life. But before you do, schedule your next meeting. Talking to your partner about finances should be a regular thing. And now that you did it once, it will be so much easier to do it again! Put another meeting on the books for a couple of weeks from today. Check in with each other about how you are feeling. Make a plan; perhaps you don’t have a budget yet, so plan to discuss that at the next meeting. Maybe there were things that you just didn’t get to or couldn’t get through in this meeting, so plan to talk about them next time. 

The point is to make regular check-ins, often and continue to move down the money pathway together as a team. Because we know we are stronger together. You’ve got this!

Well, I hope this gives you some good ideas on how to start talking to your partner about money. Remember to do some homework before you speak, find a neutral space for your meeting, don’t bring guilt or judgment to the party, share your money habits from the past and the present, write down your money goals, talk openly about your spending, discuss your macro budget categories, and schedule your next meeting. I promise the more you talk about money with your partner, the easier it will become. But the most important thing is to take the first step by talking about it together. 

As always, I hope you do today what makes you happy and healthy!

Xoxo, 
Amy